Thursday, July 29, 2010

unlike any- old- regular- kind of love


needed our mommy daughter time.

hate that its here.
i laid there.
my head on her head stone.
i talked to her.
had her listen to some new songs that i found.
i love them.
they speak to me and they have perfect meaning.
funny how music can do that.
put things into better words and feelings than you could ever express.
it was the first time in days that i felt okay.
all i want is to be okay.
i am not asking to be where i once was- that will never happen.
i just want to feel i can still live.
i want to continue breathing.
its so hard.
i have asked myself lately-
how is it possible that after 4 months 3 weeks and 4 days I'm this much effected by someone.
i have always been so stand off-ish. i don't let everyone in. not until i know they are staying.
with her. it was so different. during my pregnancy i wasn't one of those mommy's that was over the moon about this little person inside them. don't get me wrong, i was so excited and happy but i was always so worried because i never really felt a "connection" with her. i didn't know her face or her hands. i didn't know what she would look like or smell like. she was this little alien rolling around in me and i was just ready for her to be out so i could have a new little toy to play with.
funny how the moment i saw her she stole my heart. my life. my everything.
it didn't take but a second.

i had a counseling appointment last night, we were talking about things and i said
i could have helped how much i loved Makenzie if i knew our time would be so short. i said i wouldn't have let myself fall that in love. i would have loved her but not to the extent i do now.

on my way home i broke down because i realized how stupid that statement was.
it was totally out of my hands.
i never ever for one second had control over my love for her.
she completely owned me.
she captured every love string i had. she made me love, a whole new love that i never knew excised.
how silly of me.
to think i could have controlled how deeply in love i am with her.
the love is so deep. so powerful. i felt like anything was possible. there was no limits with her. i would have done anything and everything to give her the world. to give her all the love in the world.
i hope i gave her enough love in her lifetime.
i know i have never loved like that. and. i don't think ill ever love like that again. it was precious. it was rare. even if more children come into the picture they will never have her love.
theirs will still be great and powerful but it wont be like hers.
i don't think many know this level of love. I'm blessed to have felt it. to have loved someone this much.
in 4 months 3 weeks and 4 days my life was given a whole new meaning. a whole new purpose. and in that time i was given a lifetime. so i have asked how this could have effected me so much. and the answer- because it wasn't like any other kind of love. it wasn't like any other kind of gift. it was one in a billion.
it is one in a lifetime.
so that's why its so hard. that's why it still feels like yesterday. that's why i still cant breathe, i still cant live. because to have that level in your arms. to experience it everyday, then all the sudden its gone- there are no words. there is nothing to say because most will never understand. you have to have felt it to know.
love is not a big enough word for what i fell for my daughter.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

makenzie

makenzie makenzie MAKENZIE makenzie makenzie makenzie makenzie makenzie
MAKENZIE rye
makenzie makenzie
ma ma rye
rye pie
kenzie
kenz
makenzie makenzie makenzie makenzie makenzie makenzie makenzie makenzie
makenzie MAKENZIE MAKENZIE MAKENZIE MAKENZIE
makenzie makenzie makenzie makenzie
makenzie makenzie
makenzie makenzie
makenzie makenzie
makenzie
makenzie
makenzie
MAKENZIE

sometimes when i say her name, she still feels real. there.
i need to say it.
yell it.
feel the words come out of my mouth.
know she isn't a dream.
i love that word- i love when i hear it. i love when its whispered to me.
i need it.
everyday. every minute. say it.
makenzie rye

Monday, July 26, 2010

homesick

do you remember when you were younger and had a sleepover at a friends house. around bedtime you would start to get sick and miss your parents and want to go home. usually someone would pick you up/ take you home and you would fall asleep feeling warm and comforted because you are right where you belong.  i remember this feeling.
i have been feeling this again.
longing to be home.
scared. uncomfortable. alone.
i thought it would get better after the event and our trip but last night and today have been much worse.
so much worse.
im not home.
my home is with this girl.


in my arms.


im uncomfortable.
i feel i need to call "home" and have someone come pick me up.
i need to go home and snuggle into my bed and feel peace.
but.
i cant. never. there is no place to go.
.trapped.
wanting to run but no place to run.
it hit me.
in the car.
i could barely keep my car on the road.
i ran inside.
i ripped apart my house to find the cord.
i laid there.
watched her.
cried
screamed
yelled because i just want my daughter
asking to please let me come home
it was hours
laying there
watching every single video i have
watching her
breathe
smile
laugh
move
sleep
blink
squeak
explore
swim
bathe
kick
suck
live
missing every second
missing my home
missing my life
missing living

im sick
homesick

San Diego part 4

Day 5 = Wild Kingdom + Dereks bday!!!
liked the wild kingdom.
was hot
got a henna tattoos
raced boats
met up with my lil bro
saw cool animals


then we went to old town.
awesome shops
yummy food
fun music
great dancing



we had so much fun.
our last day was spent shopping at the mall.
the weather never got over 80 degrees.
we ate great. slept pretty good. swam in the pool just about every night. found time to get the girls pedicures.
makenzie was never far from any of our minds.
we always miss her.
she would have loved every bit of it.
good thing we had great people who kept us smiling and laughing.

San Diego part 3

Day 4 was spent at the beach.
my favorite place in the whole world.
being there hurt
missed my baby
wished she touched the sand and the water for the first time
wished she felt the wind and smelled those smells


after emptying our sandy shorts and taking a short rest at the hotel we headed to coronado island.
took the ferry
had a great time
ate a great dinner
did a little shopping
watched the light show displayed on the uss midway
watched fireworks


on our way over on the ferry ms emma decided to entertain us with some awesome dance moves.

*ok im dumb- i cant figure out how to turn this video so you will need to turn your head*

video
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