Wednesday, March 31, 2010

BIG NEWS!

Alisha from CUTE LITTLE ME contacted me because she has an awesome deal going.
She is selling baby leggings for $5 each!!!
That's not all- She also offered that for every 5 pairs you buy, she will throw in 1 extra pair for a total of 6 baby leggings for $25!
I am over the moon...
These are the real baby leggings that you buy at any baby boutique for regular price $12+.
I'm so grateful for Alisha and hope to clean her out of all those leggings.
I have already put in a large order.
Alisha needs to have all orders in no later than June 1st. She will be sending me all the baby leggings in one big shipment.
(saving everyone money)
If you are interested in ordering a few please contact Alisha at
alisha_groo@ hotmail dot com

**Here is a small sample of the baby leggings she has!**


Tuesday, March 30, 2010

what would have been.

girlfriend-
oh the stories i wish i could have told you.
the experiences i wish we could have had together.
i know you would have been just like me-
EEEKK!
im sure you would have yell at me,
you prob. would have laughed in my face when i smacked you for talking back,
i know you would have had friends i didn't approve,
you would have stayed out way to late with a boy,
you would have yelled and cried when we said no boyfriends,
you would have had a secret boyfriend.
i would have worried the night away in the kitchen waiting for you to come home,
you would have spent hours trying on dresses for prom,
we wouldn't have walked out with a single one because even though you looked breath taking in every single thing you tried on- you weren't satisfied.
you might have snuck off to get a piercing that we told you a million times we would never allow.
i might have looked through a journal once or twice just to make sure your staying out of trouble.
i would have been caught and you would have burned your journal.
you would have been late to school every day because you wouldn't get up on time.
i would have drove you to school everyday because you would NEVER be caught riding a bus.
i would have pretended to be a cool mom just because i always thought i would be,
but in reality- i was a total embarrassment to you.
family trips would be spent trying to get you to stop texting your friends and enjoy us.
you would have gone well over your texting limit.
you would have been grounded and forced into a job to pay for your outrageous phone bill.
we would have gone broke buying you new clothes.
we would have had that fight- "im 18- im an adult, i can do whatever i want!"
i would have snatched your pretty 18 yr old pony tail and locked you in your room that was still located under our roof :)
you would have sluffed school and barley got by- but graduated.
you would have fought us on college because getting married is a much better idea.
we would have threatened you enough to wait on marriage and bribed you enough to attend college (of course with a shiny new car to get you there :)
we still would have had that argument- "but you and Dad did it"
oh how life would have been.
im sure i would have pulled my hair out.
im sure i would have cried myself to sleep thinking what i did wrong.
im sure i would have wanted to run you down in my car a few times.
but girlfriend
i would have adored every inch of you- i would have loved every second of your life.
i would be next to you- every step of that rough life you would have lead.
i would have picked you up everytime you fell, i would have kissed you even when you push me away.
because- you are my everything.
now....






ill keep dreaming.
imagining your incredible self.
day dreaming about how much spunk im sure you have.
i know your the center of attention-
i know a few people are teaching you things i really don't want you to learn
ex- spitting and swearing :)
i cant wait until you can show me all the things you learn.
i cant wait to grow old with you.
i cant wait to have all those crazy life experiences in heaven.
im sure- it will be a little different (being in heaven and all), but- i hope a little crazy to!
no matter where we are- where you are, you have my heart and i wouldn't ever want it any other way.
i love you.

Monday, March 29, 2010

this post--- doesnt really make sense.

i just need to write.
no reason- no goal- no point.

oh life.
this crazy life we all lead.
do you ever sit back and just wonder
why oh why God?
what is the point?
why is it so hard?
why cant you stop some of this pain?
how do you choose?
why cant i see good?
why cant i get past myself and thank you for what you gave me?
some sweet ladies from the well known church came over to visit me yesterday.
**side note:
you know, after everything i don't do for them and through my cold shoulder, they still come around and give me hugs. they are tooo good & i love them.
anyway-
they asked me a question that i have thought about briefly before but never gave much thought to. they asked something along the lines of do i feel i have grown through this experience.
hmmm....
i told them I'm grateful for the friends i have meet,
for feeling a bit stronger
but to be honest, i just cant admit something good or positive has come from the death of my daughter. at least not yet.
i feel guilty even thinking that- something positive coming from her not being here.
when i was the person on the outside looking in at others in similar situations i used to say,
"be happy, they would want that"
I'm on the other side now and i don't like when people tell me that. i don't feel its okay to be happy.
should i?
i guess- i cant cry my life away but i feel that if I'm happy its like I'm not remembering that makenzie is gone and that life is okay without her. which its not.
through the rest of yesterday, last night and today i kept thinking about this.
im trying to grow- even if i dont want to-
im trying to become a better person-
i realized some things that i never realized until now-

i realized when i pray i don't thank God for anything because i feel if i tell him I'm grateful for anything in life i have to be grateful for everything- even him taking makenzie.
i thought about how i want to pray but every time i pray i get confused, i start out praying to god- then talking and crying to kenzie- then asking other angels for help in taking care of kenzie- then yelling at god- then back to talking to kenzie- then to god- then kenzie- then god- then kenzie- then i just stop.

i think about the mother i was to makenzie, i think about being a mother to someone else and feel extreme guilt. not only because of kenzie but for that child. i worry i could never love them even half as much as i love makenzie. i worry god doesn't intend for me to be a earthly mother so if i have another child he will take them away to.

you would think after losing the absolute worst thing anything could lose i wouldn't be so scared to lose anything else- I'm the opposite. I'm so incredibly afraid of everything because now i fully know i CAN lose it all and how fast it can all be gone.

oh my mind has been racing the past 24 hours.
I'm trying to make sense of this all. I'm trying to understand more.
I'm learning to pray better.
I'm learning to listen better.
one thing i feel now, more than i have before, but not with absolute certainty-
God is real.
Makenzie is in heaven.
Her wings are beautiful.
She is glowing.
She is being loved.
She is happy.
I hate feelings she is in a dark place. I cant feel that anymore.
I need to keep those thoughts out.
I need to keep her smiling face alive.
Oh how beautiful she is.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

3/23

1 year since ryans grandma d. passed away.
kenzie is buried next to her.
we tried to go to the grave to send balloons but because the
freeway was closed, traffic was to bad and we couldn't make it.
decided to send them at home.
harley wanted to help.



kenzie, you're lucky to have gma d.
give her lots of loves.
she will teach you so much.
she gives the best hugs.

grandma d.
please take good care of kenzie.
give her hugs and kisses everyday.
tell her how amazing her daddy is.
keep her laughing and smiling.

love you forever.

for you

sure wish i could give you more than this.
i wish i could send you more than this.
winnie the pooh balloon from mom
giant white balloon from daddy



missing you so much today.
missing you so much the last few days.
daddy and i laid in bed talking about you this morning.
i forgot how much you loved to sleep head to head with me.
you would be so upset but when i would lay next to you,
put our foreheads together,
you were fine.
we would sleep.
daddy took this picture one day.

i remember you were so upset.
i laid you on the ottoman and sat next to it holding your hands and rubbing your head.
you threw your arms around until you found my hair.
pulled it until you fell asleep.
we both fell asleep.
dad thought it was funny.
i miss this life.

Friday, March 26, 2010

dont want to walk without you

All our friends keep knocking at the door
They’ve asked me out a hundred times or more
But all I say is, “Leave me in the gloom”
And here I stay within my lonely room
‘Cause…
I don’t want to walk without you, Baby
Walk without my arm about you, Baby
I thought the day you left me behind
I’d take a stroll and get you right off my mind
But now I find that
I don’t want to walk without the sunshine
Why’d you have to turn off all that sunshine?
Oh, Baby, please come back or you’ll break my heart for me
‘Cause I don’t want to walk without you No, siree

- words by Frank Loesser, music by Jule Styne

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

comment

today.hurts
found myself in the hall, dialing heathers number to check on how makenzie is doing.
i almost threw the phone when i remembered.
for a moment i almost punched myself in the face for even thinking makenzie was gone,
then i realized its true.
oh these moments.
they come at such unexpected times.
im just breathing.



i have been wanting to write a little note in regards to a comment i recently received.
i didn't want to write when i was angry or hurt or any "off" emotion. i simply wanted to respond.
this blog is MY crazy, usually doesn't make sense, release my emotions, scream it out, boring online journal. now- I KNOW that because its online and public, everyone has the right to their own opinion about me, what i write and my life. i accept that and im not trying to change this certain bloggers feelings about me- i do however want to make something clear.
*not for one second did i, am i or will i ever blame ryan for anything that has gone on with makenzie. if i have ever given off that impression, re-read what i wrote because i would never even hint that. ryan is my rock, my world. if it wasn't for him i wouldn't be here. he gave me makenzie, how the hell could i ever feel anything but incredible love and gratitude for him.
*not for one second did i, am i or will i ever EVER not see the greatness of my daughter. she is incredible. she changed this world. she blessed my life in a way i cant describe. i couldn't be more proud that i am her mother and YES I DO see this everyday. i thank God everyday for giving me her life, but her death is killing me. my world has been taken from me (as well as from ryan) and remember im only 3 months into this. when i write, i tell you how i feel. i don't sugar coat anything. if im mad- ill tell you im mad. if i hurt- ill tell you i hurt. im not going to paint a pretty picture of some make believe life im not living. i am trying everyday. some days, i really don't move anywhere but backward but that's okay. im okay. i can feel however i need to feel. you can feel however you need to feel. i wont tell you to move forward, even if we are in the same situation, because i don't know. i don't know where your coming from, i don't know where you are spiritually, i don't know what you really believe. the only thing i would say to you is- i love you. we are bonded because of this horrible event, now lets join together and help each other through it.
i love comments, i love comments that give me suggestions, advice and show me love.
(maybe im in a dream land because i know life isn't full of the positive, but i can dream right)
i also love the comments where people are real with me. sometimes i need that point in the right direction because im stuck. for this comment that im talking about, i appreciate it. i have read it many times and i have thought about it. i thank this person who took the time to write it
- but-
some of the things that were said were a bit out of line for me to just sit back and not address -just in case anyone else felt this same way.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

kenzie day #3

month 3 = kangaroo zoo
we bounced
we laughed
we jumped
we fell
we ran
we climbed
(delayed since we were on our cruise on 3/13
so we had it on kenzie's 8 month bday 3/18)
*we tried to get a picture of all the kids,
this is not the place to ask a group of kids to
sit down and look at a camera!*










cant have kenzie day without yummy treats
love these cupcakes and eclairs
we love you to infinity makenzie rye.
missed you every second!
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