pretending

this morning after i got out of the shower i laid back down in bed,
i squeezed that polka dot blanket,
i wrapped it around my neck,
i closed my eyes,
and remembered.
i imagined her.
i traced her face,
her back,
her tummy,
her arms and legs,
her neck,
her knees,
her elbows,
her whole body,
i held her toes,
i held her hands,
i tickled her face,
i traced every inch of her.
over and over.
up and down.
her eyes were heavy and she was getting sleepy.
the world stopped.
minutes or what felt like hours went by.
before i knew it my hand graced the bed and the worldly sense of touch hit me
and i opened my eyes.
it felt so real.
i felt her.
i wanted so badly to open my eyes and pick her up.
hold her.
see my ridiculously beautiful daughter
laying next to me
ready for me to love on her all day.
oh how i ache for her.
the pain is so heavy.
i am hurting for that missing body laying next to me.
all i want to do now is run upstairs, close my eyes and pretend.
pretend I'm tracing her face.
her body,
her back,
her tummy,
her arms and legs,
her neck,
her knees,
her elbows,
her whole body,
pretend I'm holding her toes,
pretend I'm holding her hands,
pretend I'm tickling her face,
pretend I'm tracing every inch of her.

i wish i wasn't tracing air.